let's define a perfect arch

“look mommy, rainbow!” my 5-year old daughter prattled gleefully while showing me the multi-coloured picture in the book. as i expected the prattle didn’t stop there so i geared myself to respond to her strings of “what’s” and “why’s” in a simplest but effective way. i sing-sang to her the different colours of the rainbow but she cut me short. i guess she was just eager to know more when she asked “mommy, what is the shape of the rainbow?” “well, it’s like a half-circle, an arch, a perfect arch.” her eyes twinkled but unsure whether or not she understood the arch part, much so with the adjective perfect attached to it.

perfect arch; i love the sound if it. the phrase seemed to have taken on an optimistic tone and it haunted me to a point where i needed to identify every arch-like structures i see and analyze what they mean. but what is a perfect arch? one company which promotes their custom-made window treatments via the internet claimed that they make perfect arches for cellular shades to fit any hard to cover windows. technically speaking, a perfect arch is a half circle whose radius is constant at all points. for the company it’s all about dimensions, and accuracy in measurements. for women, a perfect arch sometimes connotes to vanity. just like when i had my eyebrows waxed and after the procedure the beautician handed me over a mirror and asked if the arch was perfect enough for me. since i did look nice with my new brows i said “perfect!” gave her a tip and left.

the rainbow is just one of the perfect arches i know. it reminds me of one of the oldest stories in the Bible which was that of Noah. after the deluge, God put a bow in the cloud which shall be a token of a covenant between God and the earth. for me, whatever speaks of God is perfect. each time i see a rainbow it steers me back to God’s teachings and it causes me to comprehend more what diversity means; just as the way the seven colours of the spectrum seam together to create one light.

there are more perfect arches in this world to take pleasure in like the arch bridge in niagara falls or the bridges of paris and many more. it can be as concrete as a bridge or as abstract as a rainbow. but the perfect arch that i know has exceptional powers to transform lives by its simple means. an arm of a mother, a father, a friend, or a husband arching around my shoulders infuses a feeling of wholeness in me because such gesture also affects the way i look at the many aspects of life. if you haven’t noticed, we humans arch from our own reality to the other side of consciousness where we can see fully all we have been and will be. and if we continue sharing the perfect arch from within us the invisible between the people who we have been connecting will be conceived and because of that they will never ever stand alone again.

***

he found them. . .

(i left this entry blank for a couple of days. not that i didn't know what i wanted to write. i just couldn't mesh up all the words in my head into one sensible thought......)

his face was a blur to me. i didn't know him and neither did he. i only got to know part of him through your words and stories, through your smiles and laughters and frowns and rantings each time you talk about him. "him" - - your father who imparted you the two sides of life. i couldn't elaborate more on the father-son relationship because i only know bits and pieces of it. all i know, he is your daddy... as you called him, who you wouldn't be seeing anymore, or hear or feel his warmth.

for sometime he was in search of something and he searched in daytime and during the wee hours of the morning. he searched in between pains and anger, in between shallow breaths, in between laughters and groans. in between silence and deep thoughts. and perhaps in between glances at you, his son. he searched it with you whose body was often close to him. and you who smelled his smell . . his fragrance as well as his stench. god knows what was brewing up in his mind and how his condition altered his perspective but anyone of us would know what a father would always wanted for his child. that, in his very soul, could never be changed.

i guess as days wore on and so as his health, the mere thought that one of these days his search would end soon, had somehow made every blessings, sorrows and happiness he received during his lifetime, so intense and clear. perhaps if he wasn't that frail, he could've jumped for joy or sang his appreciation. but it was otherwise. his thankfulness, his life were all wrapped up in silence. . . until he gasped his last breath.

his silence unfolded. his search was over. you might had only seen anguish on his face during his last ticking moments but beyond that there must be something else. . . a smile, a laughter, a comfort to have finally found the pair of wings he wished for. that was his peace.

the passing of a loved one makes us look back and reflect on our own lives for some checks and balances, and it stimulates our mind with sorts of questions. and as i think of you and what you have gone and going through, i got to ask silently these two questions. did he really need a pair of wings? was he the one who needed to fly?

i guess the wings that he found weren't really his... but YOURS.

it's so amazing how his life and death could give you life.

i am ending this blog with a song which you could reflect on.

MY PRIDE

Love in your eyes. Sitting silent by my side. Going on holding hand. Walking through the nights. Hold me up hold me tight. Lift me up to touch the sky. Teaching me to love with heart. Helping me open my mind.

(refrain)

I can fly .. I'm proud that I can fly. To give the best of mine. 'Till the end of the time. Believe me I can fly. I'm proud that I can fly. To give the best of mine. The heaven in the sky

ooOoo

Stars in the sky .... Wishing once upon a time. Give me love make me smile. 'Till the end of life. Hold me up hold me tight. Lift me up to touch the sky. Teaching me to love with heart. Helping me open my mind. (repeat refrain)

ooOoo

Can you believe that you lie down, my way. No matter how that is my birth, I never loose my day ... See me fly. I'm proud to fly up high. Show you the best of mine. 'Till the end of the time. Believe me I can fly. I'm singing in the sky. Show you the best of mine. The heaven in the sky.

Nothing can stop me to spread my wings, so wide.

***

freebies. . . wohoo!

sooo neat! i got freebies given away by a company called lookfab which is based in toronto. i believe the company endorses several beauty products from makeups to shampoos, to lotions, teeth and anti-aging products, shavers and discount coupons. i got to know about the freebies from a work study student in our office who got a bag of freebies when she came back after lunch. hey, if there's something worth getting are toiletries which costs a lot these days. here's what i got. .

a mascarra, a body wash, a shaver and some little samples of face products and shampoos. who wouldn't want freebies especially these days when the cost of living is getting higher and higher.

the products were good tho' especially the body wash which makes my skin silky and the mascarra as well which doesn't clump my eye lashes. they're great and i think i'd continue using them.

gotta go now. . . time to search for more freebies!!!

***

understanding right from wrong

"The mind decides in one way or another, despite itself, and prefers being mistaken to believing in nothing."
Rousseau, The Profession of Faith of the Savoyard Vicar

***

right or wrong. . . who sets the rule?
who determines what is right and what is wrong? is the concept a mere personal opinion?

is this resolved by making a choice?this concept governs us everyday. the world defines a better or a nice person if one does the right deed, say the right word or choose or decide the right thing. everything should be right to make this world a great place to live in. life has to steer towards virtues, values and morality. so in order to gain acceptance in the society it's a must to do everything right. yet still some prefer to stay in the other side of the road because for them, what they do conform to their beliefs and principles.

we exist in an immense moral structure that holds our perceptions. the concept may only have two options yet very extensive that we are often perplexed whether or not to find its sense within the values we set for themselves or from a set of conventional morality. we continue to grope for the truth and perhaps, often question ourselves. . . is there an authentic right and wrong? can we say that right and wrong are universal truths?

as for me, i continue to live my life on a ground created for me by my parents, by my faith and by the society where i belong and by the experiences i gained and people i met through the years. i take and digest matters that only conforms to my systems and values. and, whatever conforms, i remain to filter what i can do and what i cannot do and what can make me happy and comfortable. i live my life depending on what matters to me at a certain moment or what i consider is essential to get through the day, months or years. what are right to me are things that i fully understand. wrong if i find it confusing. right is what i hold as absolute ideals, wrong if it is otherwise.

this is the simplest explanation i could think of. i could expound more tho on the concept but i'd rather leave some for you to mull over.

and it's my special day again

i will stop looking back with regrets or looking forward with fear and give the best I have today.from Dance While You Can by Lance Wubbles

“today” is the day and i'm due for a yearly reflection. the day is mine as well as the hours. saturday is special only today; special for a special "me". i had many good birthdays i must say. there were years that it had been very celebratory, much of it were just calm and reflective and my other birthdays just went by just like any other normal day.

adding a year to my already big 42 transpired without much thrill and anticipation. as always, i prefer the simple and silent which stirs up my ever inquiring and indulging self to the many questions of existence. i did, somehow, plan ahead along with my munchkins who insisted that we hang-out in a hotel, dip ourselves into a jacuzzi and have our meal in a restaurant. i only smiled at the idea and thanked them for trying to help me out think. i ended up not having anything concrete to do even at the last minute or during the day itself. all i know, my birthday is going to come no matter what.

my life has been pretty great; eventful in a good sort of way, tastefully spiced up and seasoned. i both live and exist. i have been genuinely and profoundly transformed by the many life's incidents i face everyday. challenges and events continue to surround me and it's just a matter of choosing the options that best fits me and discarding those i feel will drag me down.

today, i celebrate with gratitude my 43rd year with wings, prayers and promises. grateful for joys and struggles. i will make it a point to nurture the lessons i reaped in to fully blossom and eventually fruit. what i realize as my age increases, i tend to search more for reasons and the more i aspire for purpose and significance in life.

my heartfelt thanks to "you" for always thinking of me and for your messages from across the miles; to my munchkins who circled the number 19 on the calendar and who counted the days until this day - i love the handmade cards which was done with so much fun and effort; to my officemates for the cards and surprise birthday croissants; to my family in manila for their text messages and to my brother and his family in dubai. all of you made my birthday mean so much.

i thank god for this life, my health and where and what i have right now. there's not doubt, i'm a year older again and i'm all out to counting for more if it meant sharing my life with the people who accepts me as i am. i just wish and hope for the time to slow down even for just a little bit so i could relish life piece by piece.

improv everywhere freezes grand central

have you heard about improv everywhere? anyway, here's what i'm going to share.

i find this amazing. improve everywhere rounded up 207 people of various races and ages for an art performance at the grand central station. the "flash mob", mixed in with the other unsuspecting crowds stood frozen, all at the same time for five minutes. one woman stood frozen while eating a banana the other while eating a yogurt, a guy while drinking water, a man tying his shoe lace, another man froze kneeling to pick up the papers he dropped, a pair froze while holding hands and kissing. the positions were all real. the crowds were in awe as if they're in a twilight zone. they were either questioning their ownselves or others to what was happening and how long it has been happening. the driver of the maintenance truck started to feel frustrated and if i heard him right, he radioed for a back up. but the mission was only few seconds away to finish and the mob started to be animated again.

people who witnessed the performance (or prank?) have different things to say. as for me, i felt i was in another dimension. watch the vid below and see for yourself.

april sun

finally. . . the sun! slivers of sunshine on my skin. blinding brightness i haven't seen for many months. but even if i did see the sun during winter days, it just peeped for a short while and hid again behind the clouds. april promises so much; it's my birth month and it's just that too many things happen during april.

despite the sun, cold wind continue to breeze this morning. it's cold enough to wear a jacket and gloves. i was trying to convince myself that it's already spring. it must be spring because i heard birds' playful chirp and greens have started to poke the ground. i was on the bus on my way to work when sunlight falls to my direction which made me squint occasionally all the way to the bus station. and again, because of that, i said to myself... finally, the april sun.

it must be the sun that has got me thinking what was on my mind april last year. i remember i was in a flurry of doing this and that for my summer vacation in manila. i even, for some reason, regarded this month as an "intuitive" month since part of my life has been at some loose ends. the mending and thinking process came in a whirlwind pattern and i remain being drawn to the process. i began going through a very solitary phase in my life two years ago where most of my thoughts, sentiments and experiences go unshared. this month, despite being in a new april which often signifies new life, i still search for "existence" and still have the need to nudge myself in many ways i had never been nudged before and, to learn, as well, my limitations.

the wind became less colder mid-day. it was beautiful so i went out for lunch minus the coat. after a full meal of stir fry noodles and vegetable, i detoured to tim hortons to indulge in a large cup of java (french vanilla, my fave!). with a cup on my hand and heart warming music playing from my mp3, this was just one of the days when i could see myself so fortunate and blessed to what i have, regardless of quantity, and to where i am at now. blessed to have entwined with amazing people and blessed to have a soul with whom I’ve truly ever felt loved and likewise helpless and safe.

just like the april sun which has broken the clouds for the rays to shine through, i, too will pierce through the many hazy days with courage and purpose.

i will end this entry by passages from the poem "april rain" by mathilde blind

The April sun, the April sun,

And in gray shaw and woodland dun

The little leaves spring forth and tender

Their infant hands, yet weak and slender,

For warmth towards the April sun,

One after one.

And between shower and shine hath birth

The rainbow's evanescent glory;

Heaven's light that breaks on mist of earth!

Frail symbol of our human story,

It flowers through showers where, looming hoary,

The rain-clouds flash with April mirth,

Like Life on earth.

***

sossy si inday kaya inglessera

alam nio mga peeps, si inday ay sosyal na katulong. xadong sossy kaya inglessera. but i'd like to tell you to take some precautions before reading this. it may cause nosebleed, headache and migraine or even heart attack. but then, i would also like to ask you to pray for inday's soul. i know we miss her so much. after her death on september 1, 2007, the universe was never the same again

******

PERSONAL INFORMATION:

Name: Inocencia Binayubay

Nickname: Inday (of course)

Age: 18

Parents: Mang Andoy at Aling Seling

Siblings: Iying – 13, Itoy – 8, Iking: 5

Educ: College – La Salle Zobel 2nd year (Scholar)

High School: P. Gomez High School (Valedictorian, Best in English)

Elem: Sta. Monica Elem School (Valedictorian, best in dancing)Kaya pala…it shows!

Work Experience: Household service manager (katulong) – Mr. and Mrs. Matapobre

Died: Sept. 1, 2007

Cause of death: Asphyxia due to strangulation (namatay sa sakal ng amo!)

******

Amo: Inday, bakit kulang ang sukli na ibinigay mo?

Inday: Hmmm… The person from the selling entity might have experienced memory deficiency due to the difficulty in concentrating and that lack of concentration lead to forgetfulness in giving the excess monetary equivalent due from the purchased item.

Amo: I think I'm gonna faint!

******

Sa Resto:

Waiter : Ano po order nila maam?

Amo: Ung fried chicken meal na lang. Ikaw inday,ano sayo?

Inday: I would like to partake of a dish of sautéed pork and chicken,boiled in thick essence of soy and cane extracts,with copious amount of garlic, onion and laurel,sprinkled generously with fine spices and served with generous helping of root crop and a helping of rice.

Amo: Iho, paorder daw ng adobo with rice

******

Amo: Mula ngayon, wala nang magsasalita ng Ingles. Ang sinumang magpadugo ng ilong ko at sa mga anak ko, palalayasin sa pamamahay na `to. klaro ba?

Inday: Ang mga namutawi sa inyong mga labi ay mataman ko pong iiimbak sa sulok ng aking balintataw, sa kaibuturan ng aking puso, gugunamgunamin, aariing salik ng aba at payak kong kabatiran. Tatalikdan ang matayog at palalong banyagang wika, manapay kakalingain, bibigkasin at sakdal timyas na sasambitin ng aking sangkolooban.

******

Inday and her amo applying for a US visa

Consul: Why do you wanna go to the US?

Amo: To travel to visit friends and fly the airplane.

Consul: Denied!

Consul: And you?

Inday: For life is a never-ending pursuit of material and social satisfaction that I tender my great intent of actualizing a transpacific journey to the land of milk and honey. An affable sanctuary where dreams become reality and a perfect habitat where souls like mine can reach the pedestal of freedom.

Consul: Lifetime multiple entry VISA granted!

Amo: Whaaat!!!

******

Nang nakauwi si Inday matapos mamalengke, nagalit ang kanyang amo…

Amo: Inday, hindi mo ba natanggap text ko? Tinext kita sabi ko bumili ka na rin ng giniling. Selpon selpon ka pa di naman nakakareceive ng text.

Inday: It's not that I can't receive any messages, it's just that I was at a place with a weak cellular signal. You see, even though longer wavelengths have the advantage of being able to diffract to a greater degree and are less reliant on line of sight to obtain a good signal, it can still attenuate significantly. And because the frequencies which cell phones use are too high to reflect off the ionosphere as shortwave radio waves do, cell phone waves cannot travel via the ionospohere.

Amo: Pa-ayono-ayonospir ka pang nalalaman. magsaing ka na nga bago dumugo na naman ilong ko.

mukhang ECE graduate din ata si Inday. nax!

*****

noong bata pa si inday

Nanay: Day, ba't ba ang tigas-tigas ng ulo mo?

Inday: Inay, intransigence is just normal for us juveniles.

Nanay: Day, anong nakain mo? I'm perturbed by your words.

Inday: Nay, ala namang gantihan

*****

mejo maalat ang pagkakaluto ni inday sa ulam so explain siya sa amo

The consistency was fine. But you see, it seems that the increased amount of sodium chloride affected the taste drastically and those actions are irreversible. I do apologize.

*****

si inday, nag eemote sa may bintana, habang iniisip si dodong,ang bf nia..

I am solitary. I find it hard to succumb into slumber. Though the downpour of rain should've made it easy. This exuberant emotional glue i have for you,cannot besimply washed away. The multiplicity of what i feel for you is inevitable. This isn't platonic. It's real, true romance.

*****

explanation ni inday nung nasunog nia ang sinaing

Heavy fire exerted by the stimulus affected the best conductor of heat which is the steel,causing the Oriza Sativa to change it's state of color,smell as well as the taste.

*****

inday inutusang bumili ng isda

Amo: Inday bumili ka nga ng mga isda, ay oo nga pala, inglesera ka na ngayon, would you please buy many fishes for this week's meals?

Inday: Judging by your statement, I believe you meant a variety of fish. The term fishes though rarely used, connotes a plethora of different kinds of the said gilled aquatic creatures. But the most pressing question before I go to the wet market would be: what type of fish? Fillet or not? Frozen or fresh? (pauses) Ahh…given the meager budget afforded by this household's quasi-peasant class taste, I assume I shall source the staple "galewng-gong". Yes?

Amo: Eh kung mag-empake ka na kaya?!

*****

MORE FROM INDAY SOON!

when a house dies

revisiting the past. . . .

The road runs straight along the bustling commercial areas in Roosevelt Avenue, a thoroughfare where motorists belch dark smoke into the sky. The house, or must I say, my father’s house, stands in front of a chainsaw shop and beside a garage crammed with busted cars and piles and piles of worn out tires. Everyday engines roar through the thin walls and the groans and grunts of the machines slice heavily through our conversations.

My father built the house of wood, plain and square with his own hands, so I was told, on a few square feet of land which, unfortunately, weren’t his. It had low ceilings, uninsulated walls and no bedrooms for a family of five kids. My parents slept in a room adjacent to the main house. Yards and yards of curtains, like the one that hid the double deck bed I shared with my older sister, gave some privacy. There were no closets so I either hung my clothes on nails pounded into the walls or on a clothesline tied in my bedside. I don’t remember having a dresser until I was much older. In the living room was a partially cushioned sofa, a two-tiered sideboard and a long legged television which heated up quickly after a two-hour viewing.

The house sheltered me and my family safely despite in its setting, a reflection of my father’s stern and selfish convictions and indestructible pride. In short, the house was my father, its content and design. The house was his voice. Though I admit how much of my character was formed in that house. We often heard him claim that the land was a gift from a close friend who owned a bakery nearby. My mother insisted that this was impossible which was enough to spark serious arguments between them. What gave him the idea that it was a gift and how did he manage to build the house without any permit? I didn’t understand then, but now I do.

Just as neighbours and residential houses began populating the other side of the road, the house started slipping from my father’s life and from our lives too. His complacency instigated legal suits and years of court appearances. I didn’t see my father build the house but I saw it slowly crumble into nothingness. One summer weekend a group of men geared with sledge-hammers demolished the house. The same day my father was pushing legal papers to the judge at the municipal hall. Why had he failed to secure a legal title for the land? I wished he’d swallowed his pride and accepted that he was wrong. I wished that he was more open-minded and learned to listen to us. I wished. . . . By the time he arrived his house was already half gone. Each plank of wood that was cracked, each nail that was wheedled out and each wall that was knocked down was like his body parts slowly being severed. He was dying inside and so was the house. The destruction made me want to cry or hit someone and seeing the house fall to pieces leaves me in a bleak, extremely misanthropic state of mind. I wanted to blame my father, shout at him but none of these actions were necessary anymore. After the demolition we were homeless and it was terrifying and humiliating to endure this once in a lifetime.

Amidst the chaos and debris my father built a temporary shelter for us to get through the night. I rested on the same bed and from there I looked up into the sky that was deep-black and brighter with slivers of moonlight flowing freely through our roofless shelter. My father believed he was going to fight to regain what was taken away from him. I lay awake for hours watching gazillions of stars turning in the sky. I started weaving my future.
I know my place.
I miss my past.

*****
copyrightbcoctober272003

mana kay inday

okey, aprub..... we pinenally unmasked inday. we got educated about her unporgetable accident in sm with dodong, salvation by her husband jay. but little did you know that inday has a bottom friend living in toronto, canada? read on. . .

***
Matagal na akong wala sa Pilipinas as in matagal na. My belief sa wari ko mga 7 years na akong di nakauwi. Supposably, dapat, nung nakaraang 2 years ago ako umuwi but I didn’t have enough savings para makapag granvacation o para makabili ng mga, alam nyo na. . . pasalubong, di gaya ng iba diyan na shop and drop kung mamili ng panguwi. Excitement on my part na makapaghandout kahit chocolate di ba sa mga expecting faces of my family and relatives and friends. The feeling is heavenly at mas more ang meaning ng kahulugan ng life. Lam nyo ung kasabihang “it’s better to give and to forgive is divine?” Lam nyo ba yun? Yan ata ang aking guidance principle.

Hindi ko natapos ang college pero ako ang bread spinner ng pamilya. Ang magulang ko nakasandal sa akin. Mga kamag-anak ko hingi sa akin. Akala nila nung andito nako sa Canada feeling nila nasa club nine ako lagi. Hindi nila alam, mas pass face ang buhay dito noh? Haaay. . . . Di gaya sa Pinas na okey lang kahit naka hangup ka sa isang sari-sari store ng buong maghapon, nakaupo at nagchichismisan habang kumakain ng kornik o nagbabalat ng nilagang mani, buhay ka na, solve na ang isang araw. Lang iniintindi, lang mga insu insurance at kung anu ano pang nessesaries na kailangan bayaran.

Anyhow, the reason for my rapping was because I accidentally miss Inday, my one and only bottom friend. Oo, bottom friend ko si Inday at miss na miss ko na siya. Dikit kami in sickness and in breath. Pareho kaming lumaki sa Dipolog na parang isang sisterhood at dahil wala akong kapatid siya na ang aking naging parang sister. Magka-age kami pero sabi ni inay "Ilang secons lang naman ang pagitan nung pinanganak kayu. Sabay kayung inilabas, mas nauna nga lang si Inday." We growth together. Parang ako ang kanyang little sister na inalagaan niya with upmost care. Ang aming memories ay laging nasa corner of my mine especially yung mga tribals ng aming buhay. I couldn’t forget our days nung dalaga na kami at need ng kumita. Napadpad kami sa Bocaue para magrecruit ng mga DH papuntang Israel. Marami kasing ka-competence na agency na nagpapaalis papuntang Japan eh so Inday and me made other plants. Hah. . . those were our challenging everydays and memories floating buy.

Kung bakit naman bigla akong nagreplenish ng memories namin ni Inday ay dahil sa pichures na nakita ko na nakabalot sa pulang cocomban na nakasingit sa aking colorful na diary na nasa ibabaw ng lumang jewelry box na nakapatong sa aking cabinet na natabunan ng mga kahon ng sapatos, na nalatagan ng mga nilabhan kong kumot. Haaaay. . . tuloy the diary was out of my eyeballs dahil sa pagiging pack rug ko. Tsk tsk, aanhin ko ba naman kasi yung mga kahon na wala namang laman? Pag nalaman ni Inday na pack rug pa rin ako hanggang ngayon, for sure she's gonna scare the living headlights out of me. Magagalit talaga yun dahil sensitis sa kalat si Inday. Kaya it's a must to start up my long availing spring cleansing ng aking apartment. Kung kasama ko lang si Inday ngayon, she's will be a big help to me.

Kakatuwang magreplenish talaga ng mga pichures namin ni Inday. Para kaming mga rap model sa aming mga poses.
Si Inday, akala ng marami ay kambal kami because we are the splitting image of each other. Memories of our memories suddenly came in the corner of my mine. . . again. Dikit kami ni Inday. . . bottom friend nga eh, so dikit. Sabay kaming pumasok ng kindergarden. Dami naming secrets. We dont take each other for granite. Paborito namin ang picha pie tsaka yung bistik na maraming sibuyas. Mahilig kaming manood ng movie na tear seeker, yung madrama ba? yung makadagdag damdamin? Stress up ko lagi ung word na "dikit" at "bottom friend" because naisip ko na during our togetherness, na-realize ko na kahit pala bottom friend ko siya, kahit dikit kami, kahit na maraming secrets ang napagsaluhan still i cannot totally lay my head on her shoulders. as in may mga secrets ako na hindi ko pa rin nasabi sa kanya. invincible di ba?

Nagkatuluyan kaya sila ni Jay? Ahhh, si Jay. Hindi alam ni Inday na dead over feel ako sa admirer niya. Dahil kay Jay, dropout niya si Dodong that time ng araw na iyon. Now all the memories are floating buy...Tandang tanda ko, Valentime day nun nung nag perpose si Jay sa kanya. It's hard to accept that it seems para bang walang guy na nagkagusto sa akin eh maganda rin naman ako ah. Unfair eh, may Dodong na nga siya, may Jay pa. My heart was broken into itsy bitsy broken glasses, as in durog na durog.......... na durog. It hurts to see the one I love love someone. Pero I decipher, and i'm very exact about it, to just keep silence dahil si Inday naman na dikit ko, ang sister ko, ang liligaya.

Magsyota palang sila ni Jay when I went over board. All I know, si Inday ang gustung-gustong mag over board pero her plans changed when Jay came to her life. Ako na lang ang umalis to escape away from the smashing painfulness of heartbreaking reality. But you know what? I will be forever in death with Inday. I learned a lot from her especially bago ako mag over board, here in Toronto where life is full of competitors. If not of her i will have no ways and means to express my thinkings and actuations. She is my inventor.

Miss na miss ko na talaga si Inday. One of these ways, the visitation will happen. Sana manalo na ako sa lotto noh? And because it's been a long standing story na yung what i feel for Jay, perhaps siguro I could finally tell her nothing but the truth. Alam ko even though na kahit na there's difference in the world that our lives spin around at this time with dizzying effect, sister ko pa rin siya at magiging dikit pa rin kami dahil sa napakadami at malalim naming pinagsamahan. And even though na kahit na our computer lines didn't disect for a long long long time, I'm very fruity sure, definitely, and appear as the sun . . . . . . . . . magkakaintindihan pa rin kami!

nosebleed!!! he..he..he..
***
copyright bc march72008

vagina monologue

december 16, 2007
mood: introspective

everything except language
knows the meaning of existence
trees, planets, rivers, time know nothing else
they express it moment by moment as the universe
les murray, poet

***

it was vday (again) for me on december 14, the day i spent a night out with my girl friends in downtown toronto . that chilly night, i believe, was meant to transpire, not essentially to hang out in a strip tease club, or a gay bar. it all turned out that there was a need for reassurance from one another and to share insights on what was dragging (some of) us down in our lives: a union in stagnant waters.why vagina monologue? and what is vday? vagina monologue was a play written by a woman (eve ensler) consisting of women who share views relating to the vagina ( sex, love, rape, menstruation, mutilation, masturbation, birth, orgasm) but then the monologue started to include issues affecting women which includes emotional abuse. vday is a movement and v stands for valentine, vagina and victory, linking love and respect for women and girls. having said so, each time I rant and rave or grit my teeth or just simply pour out my guts about relationship with men; i call it a vday.

so vday it was for me that saturday morning with other three vaginas, i must say. two ranted and two patiently listened and commented. i maintained an open mind to their opinions. they gave instances of tense relationships which somehow managed to keep upfloat after re-thinking and re-modeling the relationship dynamics or after subjecting themselves to retreats and counselling.at times, i nodded in approval and i also shook my head in disagreement if there was something they said which i absolutely couldn't relate to. my not-agreeing though didn't mean that they were out of line. they know what they're talking about. they are phenomenal women who are very much engaged in all aspects of life.

in this period of rapid development and change, marriage is not being relished anymore but endured by many couples. i am pro to a workable, harmonious and forever marriage and all these can be achieved if a husband and a wife demonstrates equality in a relationship. the level of intelligence or being in the same wave length of interests have nothing to do with this. it is based on the interaction of conduct or behaviour which motions to one partner that a thing was given for something. i always believe in the tenet that "one good thing leads to another." for the sake of this article, i am going to rephrase that to "a deed leads to another deed."

i could make this article as long as i could and lay out all the arguments i could muster and share ideas on what marriage is all about, the "what-supposed-to-be" interplay of a couple and who has the right to do what and to whom and when, but. . . . i am going to skip all of these because all i know. . . .relationship and marriage should always stand on that classic "simple act of loving."

i believe that marriage is forever but can only be a workable institution if the people involved are open and willing and ready to compromise. i still wear my wedding ring; a thing which through the years became one with me or became a part of me. i still wear the ring which means i am still married. . . . perhaps. the meaning though has become fuzzy and blurry at this point. i wear the "band" but i don't feel the "bond". we're still together though, under one roof co-habitating day in and day out and we co-habitate . . . .for the sake of the kids. and that, for me, is not . . . . existence.

this part of my life may be shadowed yet i take this as a reminder that shadows only live from a brighter source.

will never cease searching.
***
copyright bv dec2007

where there are humans, there shall be dreams

june 8, 2007

i felt my heart again today. that poignant, throbbing heart that rouses me. and so this piece.

*****

why do we dream? how do we dream? how can we dream clearly? is there a reason? and is there a season? does it reflect a hidden desire? why do dreams sometimes stay and why do they sometimes vanish in thin air? do we dream only to live the dream? or can we just dream the dream? really. . . . . why do we dream?

i dream of what i can and what you cannot or of what you can and what i cannot. i feel what you want and touch what you fear. i search what i should and what you would not. dreams swells through my mind and spread out in my thoughts. i can dream all i want and those that you don't. wish my wishes and what you ignore. strive for wants that you don't want.

i succumb to dreaming and hoping but as a dewdrop hanging on to the surface i have always leaned on to the indescribable sensation of anticipation and sadness. i want my dreams to come true. who wouldn't? but whether or not i could live the dream, i believe that life is about the journey and i should be thankful for having the chance to do so and be happy for all that it is.

i dream of the lies, the eyes and the truths. i reach out to hold the falling stars in my hands for I know the significance of the fallen ones. i dream of dark endless nights that softens me in ardor and passion. and when i dream i clasp my hands and hold them against my frail frail heart while i reach your thoughts, your words, figuring out why you find dreaming a mediocrity and unreal.

what do i dream of? i am now hounding keenly for a deal to reclaim my heart and my brain. i will remain calmly flowing in my dreams, wrestling hard stones with feathers.

how do i dream? do i really know? my soul have already felt some numbness but the more it made me feel alive. i've tasted salty tears from the corner of my lips. i've alredy felt the lovely touch and the satisfaction of loving someone and would like to experience more. that’s how I dream. . . my special being. there remains more to dream, more to find out, more to uncover. my dreams, my fleeting desire - - - i remain remembering how i felt it many months ago. borrowing the words of a poet "so before the ladder to the castle gets broken i will take the sea shell to shore and admire its beauty for the time that is given."

"i now have this choking feeling inside my throat... i guess i have to end this piece now.

***
copyright bv 2007

who am i?

i am but sentiments ensnared in a pen; the feelings being tied in chains. yet here in these white pages i bind my spirit; lovingly, wistfully

i am a wave flowing where the ocean will take me, lapping up the rocks; drifting, drifting, i just let myself adrift into dreamless sleep

i am emotion, the joy and the pain. the good and the bad. my inner self screams from where i came. it comes from within me, deep deep down there

i am the truth, not easy for others to see and tell and understand and embrace

i am life; flawed and flawless, yet still a gift

i am death;

i am the morning; leaning on to aspirations. search me in the gentle swaying of the leaves

i am the night; astray. my living crystal bound to be forgotten and denied falling on to the glimpses of my memories thinking and loving alone

i am what I crave, my wants, hopes and dreams clings to me.

i am love; pleasant, the best part in my soul.

i am human and never will get tired to be. my mind is just a process which will come to an end one day.

***
copyright bv june52007

imperfect i am

may 25, 2007

i am just a "being" - - flawed, faulty. but a being with complicated choices. those choices didn't come with the "being" when i was born on april 19. they existed only through time and experiences. and so the more complex i became, i started to affix words to them. i started from the simple to something that was not just a writing on the sand but concrete. in my present age, i am proud to say that i now have a firmer grip in life, a firmer footing. the importance of everything around me has matured and became absolutely precious.
never have known by heart or will know all the facts, or be exact in reading motives. i will always find it impossible to be totally objective. expect that i will fail to see, once in a while, "the big picture". i exist in blind spots and ocassionally, i will have blurred perspectives.
and with my imperfect self i will remain to tread, as much as possible, cautiously, on this difficult expedition. and if i fall, aside my own imperfect self to pick me up, from the bottom of my heart, i will be appreciative of the people who will pick me up and continue to walk by my side.
imperfect. . . that is what my life is.
but i am comfortable
because i look beyond those imperfections

***
copyright bv 2007

i became me in april

welcome april, my birth month.a quarter of the year has passed by and the hurly burlies of life never stops to enthrall me. as expected, this month will bring unique possibilities and of course drawbacks that i need to face. so glad it finally came because it speaks of many good things to me. it is the month of "many things" such as... , let me think.... of course, my bday, my mom's and niece's birthday, my friends birthday and anniversary, the advent of spring, lovely flowers and fresh shades of green, more daylight, weather tends to improve for outdoor flings, april fools, earth month, chocolate eaters and the smile month, the humour month, stress awareness month etcetera, etcetera. april is a time of re-growth and the pure amount of reflection of life will surely leave me somewhat tipsy. april's coming was also an indication that i survived march. april leads to may and may leads to summer and draws me another step closer to that "special" month i was hoping for. but while the month smiles, promises and blesses, i had a melodramatic start and have been into that life's roller coaster ride once again. the ride really took me to a loop and went around and around in some sort of a dizzying cycle. and just in case the ride won't cease to a halt, i hope it won't build to a primal scream.i love april and i'm starting my blog off with these wishes and whatever thoughts that i have.

i wish you could feel me now
i wish you could see me
i wish i could show you how
i wish i can be the proof to show you
the many people in need for you
and those who can't live without you
many months ago

i figured out that i love you
and i wanted it so much
i was glad to have the chance
in the best i could, to give that out
i must say that i am fortunate
to love more than once in my life
and to have that love shared
once more to you
with all the joys and the hurt
the throbbing of my heart inside my throat
and the crushing wait
that what love is all about, i believe
i could only grow
by being into something that isn't easy
while i fall in love with you
i slowly find bits and pieces of myself
that i haven't recognized yet
somehow, you weren't aware
how you have been keeping me in touch
to knowing those parts of me - -
growing and nurturing them
making me more infinitely loving
this love i surely intend to keep
i know its mine
when i'm awake
and
when i'm asleep

***
copyright bv april192007

i love you not just. . .

march 12, 2007

i love you not just for who you are
but for who i am when i'm with you
i love you not for what you've done to your life
but for what you're doing to mine
i love you for making me good
and happy, and whole
because that is what you do
without a word
without a gesture
without a doubt
just by being yourself
such a simple thing
but no one else in the world could do it
ONLY YOU
***

copyright bv 2007

mangangarap pa rin

february 13, 2007

. . . .ako na maging bahagi ng buhay mo sa paraang alam ko at sa pinakamainam na panahon at direksyon- - - hindi lang ngayon, o sa oras na ito, o isang saglit. gugustuhin ko pa ring hanapin ang sulok na puwede kong angkinin at hangarin ang kung ano ang nararapat sa isang katulad ko na nagmamahal. ibabaling pa rin ang tingin sa dating tinitingnan, hindi kukurap dahil kahit na ipikit ko ang mga mata, hihilahin pa rin naman ako ng mga sandali para hanapin ka, makita ka, makasama at madama. maaaring makamit ang inaasam o maaari ring umabot ng kailanman, kabuluhan pa rin sa buhay ko ang bigay nito. hindi ko hahayaan itong mawala, matuyo at mamanhid sa damdamin ko. bubuhayin ko ang pangarap ng pag-ibig kahit na sa kalagitnaan ng kawalan. dahil sa nais kitang mahalin, hihigtan ko ang buhangin sa dalampasigan. ang salita kong hangin - - - yayakap pa rin sa iyo ng aking ngayon, kahapon at bukas. dahil nais kitang ibigin, pupukawin ko ang sarili sa lungkot at hindi lalagyan ng anumang saklaw ang nararamdaman, kahit na alam ko na sa isip at puso ko magagawa ang lahat na ito. layunin kong makamtam lahat ang pangarap sa piling mo lamang. umiyak man ako o malungkot - - - ito ang mga sentimyentong sa akin ay makapagpapasidhi ng katauhan. sa diwa ng isang manunulat na sa palagay ko ay umibig din, hihiramin ko ang kanyang mga salita sa pagkakataong ito sa naiibang pahiwatig:

"kung ibig kitang kilalaninsisisirin kita hanggang butoliliparin kita hanggang utakiilanlang ako hanggang kaluluwa mo - - dahil hubad ka doon mula ulo hanggang paa"
mangagarap pa rin ako at. . . mananaginip

***
copyright bv 2007

sa wakas 2007 na

namimiss ko na ang new year sa pilipinas. miss ko na ang watusi, ang labintador, ung mga fountain na nakalinya sa daan, ung sinturon ni hudas, babyrockets at whistle bomb. si superlolo at yung mga trumpilyo na nakapako sa bakod ng mga bahay. sama ko na rin ung hiyawan ng mga bata sa daan na "ay supot!" pag ang labintador ay di pumutok ng malakas. kelan kaya uli ako magsusunog ng lumang gulong sa gitna ng daan para doon ko itatapon ang labintador at watusi. kakatuwa na nakakainis dahil pagkatapos ng pagdiriwang doon ko lang mapapansin kung gaano kaiitim ang kurtina sa bahay pati na rin ang aking ilong.sa pagsalubong sa 2007, tama lang ang ingay sa paligid ko tulad ng pagsigaw ng hapi new year after ng countdown, tawanan, kantahan at ingay ng mga beso beso, mga batang naglalaro at nagsisigawan. mabuti na nga ang ganito... walang paputok, walang madidisgrasya, walang masusugatan o daliring mapuputol o batang makakalunok ng watusi. dumaan ang magdamag ng walang nasugatan. ang pinakamaganda, lumipas din ito na kasama ka sa aking puso at isip.
natahimik ang paligid ng mga bandang 1:30 am pero alas tres na ng madaling araw ako dinalaw ng antok. mulat ang mga matang nakatitig lamang sa maulan na ulap mula sa parisukat na bintana habang sinasabayan ko ng buntong hininga ang tagaktak ng ulan sa may pasimano. naisip kong muli na wala ngang nasugatan sa mga paputok, pero casualty pa rin ang puso ko na nangungulila ng matindi sa iyo.p.s. new year resolution ko? di na ako mag-o off ng cell phone.

***
copyright bcjanuary12007

gusto kong maging bata muli

gusto kong maging parang bata sa puso at isipan. buhay bata na puno ng mabababaw na kasiyahan. lang ganong pinoproblema, lang iniintindi. kung meron man ay kung ano ang lalaruin at ano ang hihingin. ano ang isusuot at saan pupunta. isang bata na ang nasa ay puro lang saya. iiyak lang pag naubusan ng kendi o inagaw o nasira ang paboritong laruan o pag napagalitan. pag bata, oks lang na maging mataba, maging matakaw, maging marungis at burara. isip bata na walang kamuwang muwang. kilos bata na madaldal, makulit, matanong. bata na pedeng mababaw o malalim rin magisip. gusto kong maging isang parang bata na nakagagawa ng kalokohan o kaya isang bata nakakapagbigay ng buhay o pagbabago sa tao o sa mundo. gustong kong maging isang bata na lahat ay nasasabi na walang kibit balikat. sasabihin at gagawin kahit na nakakasakit na. okey lang. hindi nakokonsensiya. hindi nababagabag. nakakatulog pa rin ng mahimbing. pag naging bata ako uli, magiging isang libo't isang tao ako. kahit na ano pede akong "maging"kung sakaling magiging bata ako muli ang gagawin ko, iibahin ko yung landas na nilakad at tinakbo ko nung lumalaki na ako. dahil alam ko na ngayon kung saan ako pupunta, kung ano ang gagawin, bakit dapat gawin, paano at kailan at kung SINO.

***
copyright bv december 2, 2006

naghihintay

nangangako
naniniwala
nangangarap
natutulalan
agiisip
nag-aabang
naghihintay

NAGMAMAHAL
***
copyright bcnovember172006

pagmumuni-muni

naisip ko na ang pagkakaiba ng "magkahawak kamay" at "pagkadena sa kaluluwa"; na ang pagmamahal ay hindi suporta at ang pagkakaroon ng kasama ay hindi pagkalinga, ang mga halik ay hindi kontrata, at ang mga regalo ay hindi mga pangako. ngayon ko na lang natanggap ang aking pagkatalo bilang isang taong nasa tamang pagiisip. ang mga daan pala na dapat tahakin ay dapat nagawa na ngayon dahil ang daan sa kinabukasan ay hindi laging tiyak kahit kasama na sa mga plano. ang sobrang araw ay nakakapaso. ang sobrang tubig ay nakakalunod. magtatanim ako ng hardin at pagagandahin ng aking kaluluwa imbes na maghintay ako na merong magbigay ng mga bulaklak. dito, matututunan ko na kaya ko ang pagsubok, na malakas ako at mayroon akong halaga.

***
copyright bc october232006

ang ganda ng panahon

ang ganda ng panahon. lumabas ako kanina. nagpaaraw at makita ang araw kung ano ang dala nito. naglakad-lakad ako habang iniisip kung saan masarap kumain. ang taas ng araw pero malamig ang hangin. balik jacket ako at scarf. jacket at scarf palang dahil kaya ko pa naman ang lamig. feeling pretty and smart daw. . . he..he..he... naglakad-lakad ako kasama ng mp3 player habang kinakantahan ako ni rachelle, true faith at shamrock. ang ganda nga ng panahon, kasing ganda ko, kasing ganda ng nasa isip ko. muntik na namang dumale ang switch sa utak ko. hindi naman siya nagwagi. maganda ang panahon, kailangang maganda ang pag-iisip ko.

dinala ako ng paglalakad ko sa chinese restaurant. puno ang lugar pero nong pumasok ako, pakiramdam ko ako lang ang andun. pero nong ginala ko uli ang paningin ko, hindi pala ako nagiisa. habang hinihintay ko ang order, nilabas ko ang paborito kong science magazine. nalaman ko na hindi na pala planeta ang pluto. kawawang pluto.... inisnob na dahil sa kaliitan.

dumating ang order kong dumpling with noodle and soup. yucch... di ko nagustuhan. sana yung chow mein na lang ang kinuha ko. pero inubos ko pa rin kahit di ako enjoy sa lasa. sayang eh. sayang. . . .

naglakad lakad ako uli bago bumalik sa opisina. pagtingin ko sa oras, me tatlumpung minuto pa ako. pero di ko na ginamit. bumalik na lang ako sa trabaho para magupdate ng blog para isulat ito at baka . . . . hmmmm

ang ganda ng panahon... sana laging maganda lahat lahat sa buhay ko.

***
copyright bcoctober162006

limang kilometro, tatlumpung minuto

maaga akong nagising kahapon. excited tumakbo uli ng limang kilometro. pangako ko to sa isa sa mahal ko sa buhay na inaalala ko kahit isang beses lang sang taon. mahal ko siya pero di ko kayang isipin na wala na siya sa araw araw.

sarap tumakbo. malapit ko na atang maging obsession ito. hinihila ang mga kamay ko na damputin ang aking running shoes pag mejo naging dragging ang araw ko o kung meron akong gustong tanggalin sa isip ko o kaya eh kung gusto kong maaliw o kaya magrelax lang. tatakbo ako, palayo sa bahay, palayo sa mga isipin, palayo sa ingay, palayo sa maraming bagay. ito yung tinatawag kong pag-iwas na sinasadya at ito rin lang ang posible kong gawin para makuha ang satisfaction na gusto ko sa mga oras na iyon. mag-isa akong tumatakbo pero okey na ang mp3 player na tumutugtog ng mga favorite love songs ko. ganado na ako nun at sapat na para di ko maramdaman ang hingal, ang tagaktak ng pawis, ang banat sa bawat hibla ng aking kalamnan.

tatlumpong minuto kong tinakbo ang limang kilometro. gusto ko sanang mas mabilis pa pero di ko kelangang pilitin ang di ko kaya. nakakapagod at marunong din akong mapagod. matagal ko na rin kasing napaniwala ang sarili ko na superwoman ako kaya sige lang ako ng sige. minsan ang pakiramdam ko, tumatakbo ako ng palayo ng palayo na parang nagiging anino na lang ako sa paningin na iba. o kaya'y para akong hangin na dumadaan na di maaring mahawakan ninuman.

masarap tumakbo lalo na kung alam ko ang aking patutunguhan. maliit lang naman ang mundo. kaya ko ito.

***
copyright bvoctober22006

sentimentally yours

recently, someone has called me a "sentimental fool". i think he was right because my life is incredibly engaged in a relationship drama. but before i elaborate on my sentimentality, i guess i just have to explain what sentimentality means to me.it is both a happy and a sad emotion which for me has to be felt in a certain time and mood. sentimentality is feeling that my mind has built and once it's in my brain, what's left for me was to succumb into it. more often, i am tearfully sentimental; masking a cold lack of feeling; but i'm also happily sentimental on some occasions. sentimentality is something i could go into to fill in the emotinal void of the present when no other feeling exists or a lack of stimuli so i must tread back to memories and do my best to remember.these days, i would feel a twinge of that, right here at the centre of my chest and my eyes would just well up in tears. i didn't find it odd but it's been coming on more often these days. perhaps it's my age or it's because of where i am in life right now or perhaps it's my emotional response to the relationships i have. i couldn't remember when did i first become sentimental, but all i know was that i disdain the feeling because i just find it so untrue. i just couldn't understand how a person could get so sentimental over things in a certain time or weather for one! that was my belief before until i started amassing objects which i had been struggling for many years to throw away. i kept them out of sentimentality and of course, nostalgia. once i feel nostalgic, sentimentality occurs. i considered them irreplaceable and i felt that i would be crushed if i lose them. it was also feeling guilty to lose them because i know that there are meanings in them which i am going to miss, somehow, at some point. not only the objects were irreplaceable; the story that was attached into it was genuine and it was MINE only.i get sentimental over dreams and random thoughts. the touch of rain patting my head, the snow falling on my skin, the movement of leaves as it sways with the wind, the cold breezy air flowing through my hair; things that didn't have any meaning at all when they're happening. these were the kind of reminiscence i deal with. the weather would often triggers my sentimentality, especially when i'm under gloomy skies and during rainy moments. these days, i would wallow into the sentiments of my current relationship with my husband and of my past love which i would link to the relationship i've taken on recently. most of the things i think about them were all in a form of questions. i wonder if they really care, if they think about me or if they love me. and if they do love me, what kind of love was it? i would put focus on that and and remember the past and look at the present.anaylzing the kind of sentimentality that i had during the past, i noticed it all depended on what i wanted to feel that time. if i wanted to feel like crying, i would resurrect my days of sorrow and pain. now why would i do that? why would i want to torture my emotion? for an answer... it was because of the crying. i believe that shedding tears can make my heart grow softer and kinder but stronger to take more adversities in life. but what about being sentimentally happy? funny to say but it strikes me the same. still, i would end up in tears, but happy tears i would say.i don't think i could get over with sentimentality anymore. it's now a shadow cast over me or perhaps, it's what that phase of my life was all about. it didn't mean tho' that i've stopped moving on because in my everyday living, i take the past with me to nudge me onto the present.it's fine to feel that way no matter how melancholy affects you. it only shows that you're capable of relationships, you're emotions are perfectly normal and it reveals your sensitivity and your commitment with the people around you. i guess, being sentimental is just another way of saying that... we are human beings!
****