sentimentally yours

recently, someone has called me a "sentimental fool". i think he was right because my life is incredibly engaged in a relationship drama. but before i elaborate on my sentimentality, i guess i just have to explain what sentimentality means to me.it is both a happy and a sad emotion which for me has to be felt in a certain time and mood. sentimentality is feeling that my mind has built and once it's in my brain, what's left for me was to succumb into it. more often, i am tearfully sentimental; masking a cold lack of feeling; but i'm also happily sentimental on some occasions. sentimentality is something i could go into to fill in the emotinal void of the present when no other feeling exists or a lack of stimuli so i must tread back to memories and do my best to remember.these days, i would feel a twinge of that, right here at the centre of my chest and my eyes would just well up in tears. i didn't find it odd but it's been coming on more often these days. perhaps it's my age or it's because of where i am in life right now or perhaps it's my emotional response to the relationships i have. i couldn't remember when did i first become sentimental, but all i know was that i disdain the feeling because i just find it so untrue. i just couldn't understand how a person could get so sentimental over things in a certain time or weather for one! that was my belief before until i started amassing objects which i had been struggling for many years to throw away. i kept them out of sentimentality and of course, nostalgia. once i feel nostalgic, sentimentality occurs. i considered them irreplaceable and i felt that i would be crushed if i lose them. it was also feeling guilty to lose them because i know that there are meanings in them which i am going to miss, somehow, at some point. not only the objects were irreplaceable; the story that was attached into it was genuine and it was MINE only.i get sentimental over dreams and random thoughts. the touch of rain patting my head, the snow falling on my skin, the movement of leaves as it sways with the wind, the cold breezy air flowing through my hair; things that didn't have any meaning at all when they're happening. these were the kind of reminiscence i deal with. the weather would often triggers my sentimentality, especially when i'm under gloomy skies and during rainy moments. these days, i would wallow into the sentiments of my current relationship with my husband and of my past love which i would link to the relationship i've taken on recently. most of the things i think about them were all in a form of questions. i wonder if they really care, if they think about me or if they love me. and if they do love me, what kind of love was it? i would put focus on that and and remember the past and look at the present.anaylzing the kind of sentimentality that i had during the past, i noticed it all depended on what i wanted to feel that time. if i wanted to feel like crying, i would resurrect my days of sorrow and pain. now why would i do that? why would i want to torture my emotion? for an answer... it was because of the crying. i believe that shedding tears can make my heart grow softer and kinder but stronger to take more adversities in life. but what about being sentimentally happy? funny to say but it strikes me the same. still, i would end up in tears, but happy tears i would say.i don't think i could get over with sentimentality anymore. it's now a shadow cast over me or perhaps, it's what that phase of my life was all about. it didn't mean tho' that i've stopped moving on because in my everyday living, i take the past with me to nudge me onto the present.it's fine to feel that way no matter how melancholy affects you. it only shows that you're capable of relationships, you're emotions are perfectly normal and it reveals your sensitivity and your commitment with the people around you. i guess, being sentimental is just another way of saying that... we are human beings!
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