vagina monologue

december 16, 2007
mood: introspective

everything except language
knows the meaning of existence
trees, planets, rivers, time know nothing else
they express it moment by moment as the universe
les murray, poet

***

it was vday (again) for me on december 14, the day i spent a night out with my girl friends in downtown toronto . that chilly night, i believe, was meant to transpire, not essentially to hang out in a strip tease club, or a gay bar. it all turned out that there was a need for reassurance from one another and to share insights on what was dragging (some of) us down in our lives: a union in stagnant waters.why vagina monologue? and what is vday? vagina monologue was a play written by a woman (eve ensler) consisting of women who share views relating to the vagina ( sex, love, rape, menstruation, mutilation, masturbation, birth, orgasm) but then the monologue started to include issues affecting women which includes emotional abuse. vday is a movement and v stands for valentine, vagina and victory, linking love and respect for women and girls. having said so, each time I rant and rave or grit my teeth or just simply pour out my guts about relationship with men; i call it a vday.

so vday it was for me that saturday morning with other three vaginas, i must say. two ranted and two patiently listened and commented. i maintained an open mind to their opinions. they gave instances of tense relationships which somehow managed to keep upfloat after re-thinking and re-modeling the relationship dynamics or after subjecting themselves to retreats and counselling.at times, i nodded in approval and i also shook my head in disagreement if there was something they said which i absolutely couldn't relate to. my not-agreeing though didn't mean that they were out of line. they know what they're talking about. they are phenomenal women who are very much engaged in all aspects of life.

in this period of rapid development and change, marriage is not being relished anymore but endured by many couples. i am pro to a workable, harmonious and forever marriage and all these can be achieved if a husband and a wife demonstrates equality in a relationship. the level of intelligence or being in the same wave length of interests have nothing to do with this. it is based on the interaction of conduct or behaviour which motions to one partner that a thing was given for something. i always believe in the tenet that "one good thing leads to another." for the sake of this article, i am going to rephrase that to "a deed leads to another deed."

i could make this article as long as i could and lay out all the arguments i could muster and share ideas on what marriage is all about, the "what-supposed-to-be" interplay of a couple and who has the right to do what and to whom and when, but. . . . i am going to skip all of these because all i know. . . .relationship and marriage should always stand on that classic "simple act of loving."

i believe that marriage is forever but can only be a workable institution if the people involved are open and willing and ready to compromise. i still wear my wedding ring; a thing which through the years became one with me or became a part of me. i still wear the ring which means i am still married. . . . perhaps. the meaning though has become fuzzy and blurry at this point. i wear the "band" but i don't feel the "bond". we're still together though, under one roof co-habitating day in and day out and we co-habitate . . . .for the sake of the kids. and that, for me, is not . . . . existence.

this part of my life may be shadowed yet i take this as a reminder that shadows only live from a brighter source.

will never cease searching.
***
copyright bv dec2007

where there are humans, there shall be dreams

june 8, 2007

i felt my heart again today. that poignant, throbbing heart that rouses me. and so this piece.

*****

why do we dream? how do we dream? how can we dream clearly? is there a reason? and is there a season? does it reflect a hidden desire? why do dreams sometimes stay and why do they sometimes vanish in thin air? do we dream only to live the dream? or can we just dream the dream? really. . . . . why do we dream?

i dream of what i can and what you cannot or of what you can and what i cannot. i feel what you want and touch what you fear. i search what i should and what you would not. dreams swells through my mind and spread out in my thoughts. i can dream all i want and those that you don't. wish my wishes and what you ignore. strive for wants that you don't want.

i succumb to dreaming and hoping but as a dewdrop hanging on to the surface i have always leaned on to the indescribable sensation of anticipation and sadness. i want my dreams to come true. who wouldn't? but whether or not i could live the dream, i believe that life is about the journey and i should be thankful for having the chance to do so and be happy for all that it is.

i dream of the lies, the eyes and the truths. i reach out to hold the falling stars in my hands for I know the significance of the fallen ones. i dream of dark endless nights that softens me in ardor and passion. and when i dream i clasp my hands and hold them against my frail frail heart while i reach your thoughts, your words, figuring out why you find dreaming a mediocrity and unreal.

what do i dream of? i am now hounding keenly for a deal to reclaim my heart and my brain. i will remain calmly flowing in my dreams, wrestling hard stones with feathers.

how do i dream? do i really know? my soul have already felt some numbness but the more it made me feel alive. i've tasted salty tears from the corner of my lips. i've alredy felt the lovely touch and the satisfaction of loving someone and would like to experience more. that’s how I dream. . . my special being. there remains more to dream, more to find out, more to uncover. my dreams, my fleeting desire - - - i remain remembering how i felt it many months ago. borrowing the words of a poet "so before the ladder to the castle gets broken i will take the sea shell to shore and admire its beauty for the time that is given."

"i now have this choking feeling inside my throat... i guess i have to end this piece now.

***
copyright bv 2007

who am i?

i am but sentiments ensnared in a pen; the feelings being tied in chains. yet here in these white pages i bind my spirit; lovingly, wistfully

i am a wave flowing where the ocean will take me, lapping up the rocks; drifting, drifting, i just let myself adrift into dreamless sleep

i am emotion, the joy and the pain. the good and the bad. my inner self screams from where i came. it comes from within me, deep deep down there

i am the truth, not easy for others to see and tell and understand and embrace

i am life; flawed and flawless, yet still a gift

i am death;

i am the morning; leaning on to aspirations. search me in the gentle swaying of the leaves

i am the night; astray. my living crystal bound to be forgotten and denied falling on to the glimpses of my memories thinking and loving alone

i am what I crave, my wants, hopes and dreams clings to me.

i am love; pleasant, the best part in my soul.

i am human and never will get tired to be. my mind is just a process which will come to an end one day.

***
copyright bv june52007

imperfect i am

may 25, 2007

i am just a "being" - - flawed, faulty. but a being with complicated choices. those choices didn't come with the "being" when i was born on april 19. they existed only through time and experiences. and so the more complex i became, i started to affix words to them. i started from the simple to something that was not just a writing on the sand but concrete. in my present age, i am proud to say that i now have a firmer grip in life, a firmer footing. the importance of everything around me has matured and became absolutely precious.
never have known by heart or will know all the facts, or be exact in reading motives. i will always find it impossible to be totally objective. expect that i will fail to see, once in a while, "the big picture". i exist in blind spots and ocassionally, i will have blurred perspectives.
and with my imperfect self i will remain to tread, as much as possible, cautiously, on this difficult expedition. and if i fall, aside my own imperfect self to pick me up, from the bottom of my heart, i will be appreciative of the people who will pick me up and continue to walk by my side.
imperfect. . . that is what my life is.
but i am comfortable
because i look beyond those imperfections

***
copyright bv 2007

i became me in april

welcome april, my birth month.a quarter of the year has passed by and the hurly burlies of life never stops to enthrall me. as expected, this month will bring unique possibilities and of course drawbacks that i need to face. so glad it finally came because it speaks of many good things to me. it is the month of "many things" such as... , let me think.... of course, my bday, my mom's and niece's birthday, my friends birthday and anniversary, the advent of spring, lovely flowers and fresh shades of green, more daylight, weather tends to improve for outdoor flings, april fools, earth month, chocolate eaters and the smile month, the humour month, stress awareness month etcetera, etcetera. april is a time of re-growth and the pure amount of reflection of life will surely leave me somewhat tipsy. april's coming was also an indication that i survived march. april leads to may and may leads to summer and draws me another step closer to that "special" month i was hoping for. but while the month smiles, promises and blesses, i had a melodramatic start and have been into that life's roller coaster ride once again. the ride really took me to a loop and went around and around in some sort of a dizzying cycle. and just in case the ride won't cease to a halt, i hope it won't build to a primal scream.i love april and i'm starting my blog off with these wishes and whatever thoughts that i have.

i wish you could feel me now
i wish you could see me
i wish i could show you how
i wish i can be the proof to show you
the many people in need for you
and those who can't live without you
many months ago

i figured out that i love you
and i wanted it so much
i was glad to have the chance
in the best i could, to give that out
i must say that i am fortunate
to love more than once in my life
and to have that love shared
once more to you
with all the joys and the hurt
the throbbing of my heart inside my throat
and the crushing wait
that what love is all about, i believe
i could only grow
by being into something that isn't easy
while i fall in love with you
i slowly find bits and pieces of myself
that i haven't recognized yet
somehow, you weren't aware
how you have been keeping me in touch
to knowing those parts of me - -
growing and nurturing them
making me more infinitely loving
this love i surely intend to keep
i know its mine
when i'm awake
and
when i'm asleep

***
copyright bv april192007

i love you not just. . .

march 12, 2007

i love you not just for who you are
but for who i am when i'm with you
i love you not for what you've done to your life
but for what you're doing to mine
i love you for making me good
and happy, and whole
because that is what you do
without a word
without a gesture
without a doubt
just by being yourself
such a simple thing
but no one else in the world could do it
ONLY YOU
***

copyright bv 2007

mangangarap pa rin

february 13, 2007

. . . .ako na maging bahagi ng buhay mo sa paraang alam ko at sa pinakamainam na panahon at direksyon- - - hindi lang ngayon, o sa oras na ito, o isang saglit. gugustuhin ko pa ring hanapin ang sulok na puwede kong angkinin at hangarin ang kung ano ang nararapat sa isang katulad ko na nagmamahal. ibabaling pa rin ang tingin sa dating tinitingnan, hindi kukurap dahil kahit na ipikit ko ang mga mata, hihilahin pa rin naman ako ng mga sandali para hanapin ka, makita ka, makasama at madama. maaaring makamit ang inaasam o maaari ring umabot ng kailanman, kabuluhan pa rin sa buhay ko ang bigay nito. hindi ko hahayaan itong mawala, matuyo at mamanhid sa damdamin ko. bubuhayin ko ang pangarap ng pag-ibig kahit na sa kalagitnaan ng kawalan. dahil sa nais kitang mahalin, hihigtan ko ang buhangin sa dalampasigan. ang salita kong hangin - - - yayakap pa rin sa iyo ng aking ngayon, kahapon at bukas. dahil nais kitang ibigin, pupukawin ko ang sarili sa lungkot at hindi lalagyan ng anumang saklaw ang nararamdaman, kahit na alam ko na sa isip at puso ko magagawa ang lahat na ito. layunin kong makamtam lahat ang pangarap sa piling mo lamang. umiyak man ako o malungkot - - - ito ang mga sentimyentong sa akin ay makapagpapasidhi ng katauhan. sa diwa ng isang manunulat na sa palagay ko ay umibig din, hihiramin ko ang kanyang mga salita sa pagkakataong ito sa naiibang pahiwatig:

"kung ibig kitang kilalaninsisisirin kita hanggang butoliliparin kita hanggang utakiilanlang ako hanggang kaluluwa mo - - dahil hubad ka doon mula ulo hanggang paa"
mangagarap pa rin ako at. . . mananaginip

***
copyright bv 2007

sa wakas 2007 na

namimiss ko na ang new year sa pilipinas. miss ko na ang watusi, ang labintador, ung mga fountain na nakalinya sa daan, ung sinturon ni hudas, babyrockets at whistle bomb. si superlolo at yung mga trumpilyo na nakapako sa bakod ng mga bahay. sama ko na rin ung hiyawan ng mga bata sa daan na "ay supot!" pag ang labintador ay di pumutok ng malakas. kelan kaya uli ako magsusunog ng lumang gulong sa gitna ng daan para doon ko itatapon ang labintador at watusi. kakatuwa na nakakainis dahil pagkatapos ng pagdiriwang doon ko lang mapapansin kung gaano kaiitim ang kurtina sa bahay pati na rin ang aking ilong.sa pagsalubong sa 2007, tama lang ang ingay sa paligid ko tulad ng pagsigaw ng hapi new year after ng countdown, tawanan, kantahan at ingay ng mga beso beso, mga batang naglalaro at nagsisigawan. mabuti na nga ang ganito... walang paputok, walang madidisgrasya, walang masusugatan o daliring mapuputol o batang makakalunok ng watusi. dumaan ang magdamag ng walang nasugatan. ang pinakamaganda, lumipas din ito na kasama ka sa aking puso at isip.
natahimik ang paligid ng mga bandang 1:30 am pero alas tres na ng madaling araw ako dinalaw ng antok. mulat ang mga matang nakatitig lamang sa maulan na ulap mula sa parisukat na bintana habang sinasabayan ko ng buntong hininga ang tagaktak ng ulan sa may pasimano. naisip kong muli na wala ngang nasugatan sa mga paputok, pero casualty pa rin ang puso ko na nangungulila ng matindi sa iyo.p.s. new year resolution ko? di na ako mag-o off ng cell phone.

***
copyright bcjanuary12007

gusto kong maging bata muli

gusto kong maging parang bata sa puso at isipan. buhay bata na puno ng mabababaw na kasiyahan. lang ganong pinoproblema, lang iniintindi. kung meron man ay kung ano ang lalaruin at ano ang hihingin. ano ang isusuot at saan pupunta. isang bata na ang nasa ay puro lang saya. iiyak lang pag naubusan ng kendi o inagaw o nasira ang paboritong laruan o pag napagalitan. pag bata, oks lang na maging mataba, maging matakaw, maging marungis at burara. isip bata na walang kamuwang muwang. kilos bata na madaldal, makulit, matanong. bata na pedeng mababaw o malalim rin magisip. gusto kong maging isang parang bata na nakagagawa ng kalokohan o kaya isang bata nakakapagbigay ng buhay o pagbabago sa tao o sa mundo. gustong kong maging isang bata na lahat ay nasasabi na walang kibit balikat. sasabihin at gagawin kahit na nakakasakit na. okey lang. hindi nakokonsensiya. hindi nababagabag. nakakatulog pa rin ng mahimbing. pag naging bata ako uli, magiging isang libo't isang tao ako. kahit na ano pede akong "maging"kung sakaling magiging bata ako muli ang gagawin ko, iibahin ko yung landas na nilakad at tinakbo ko nung lumalaki na ako. dahil alam ko na ngayon kung saan ako pupunta, kung ano ang gagawin, bakit dapat gawin, paano at kailan at kung SINO.

***
copyright bv december 2, 2006

naghihintay

nangangako
naniniwala
nangangarap
natutulalan
agiisip
nag-aabang
naghihintay

NAGMAMAHAL
***
copyright bcnovember172006

pagmumuni-muni

naisip ko na ang pagkakaiba ng "magkahawak kamay" at "pagkadena sa kaluluwa"; na ang pagmamahal ay hindi suporta at ang pagkakaroon ng kasama ay hindi pagkalinga, ang mga halik ay hindi kontrata, at ang mga regalo ay hindi mga pangako. ngayon ko na lang natanggap ang aking pagkatalo bilang isang taong nasa tamang pagiisip. ang mga daan pala na dapat tahakin ay dapat nagawa na ngayon dahil ang daan sa kinabukasan ay hindi laging tiyak kahit kasama na sa mga plano. ang sobrang araw ay nakakapaso. ang sobrang tubig ay nakakalunod. magtatanim ako ng hardin at pagagandahin ng aking kaluluwa imbes na maghintay ako na merong magbigay ng mga bulaklak. dito, matututunan ko na kaya ko ang pagsubok, na malakas ako at mayroon akong halaga.

***
copyright bc october232006

ang ganda ng panahon

ang ganda ng panahon. lumabas ako kanina. nagpaaraw at makita ang araw kung ano ang dala nito. naglakad-lakad ako habang iniisip kung saan masarap kumain. ang taas ng araw pero malamig ang hangin. balik jacket ako at scarf. jacket at scarf palang dahil kaya ko pa naman ang lamig. feeling pretty and smart daw. . . he..he..he... naglakad-lakad ako kasama ng mp3 player habang kinakantahan ako ni rachelle, true faith at shamrock. ang ganda nga ng panahon, kasing ganda ko, kasing ganda ng nasa isip ko. muntik na namang dumale ang switch sa utak ko. hindi naman siya nagwagi. maganda ang panahon, kailangang maganda ang pag-iisip ko.

dinala ako ng paglalakad ko sa chinese restaurant. puno ang lugar pero nong pumasok ako, pakiramdam ko ako lang ang andun. pero nong ginala ko uli ang paningin ko, hindi pala ako nagiisa. habang hinihintay ko ang order, nilabas ko ang paborito kong science magazine. nalaman ko na hindi na pala planeta ang pluto. kawawang pluto.... inisnob na dahil sa kaliitan.

dumating ang order kong dumpling with noodle and soup. yucch... di ko nagustuhan. sana yung chow mein na lang ang kinuha ko. pero inubos ko pa rin kahit di ako enjoy sa lasa. sayang eh. sayang. . . .

naglakad lakad ako uli bago bumalik sa opisina. pagtingin ko sa oras, me tatlumpung minuto pa ako. pero di ko na ginamit. bumalik na lang ako sa trabaho para magupdate ng blog para isulat ito at baka . . . . hmmmm

ang ganda ng panahon... sana laging maganda lahat lahat sa buhay ko.

***
copyright bcoctober162006

limang kilometro, tatlumpung minuto

maaga akong nagising kahapon. excited tumakbo uli ng limang kilometro. pangako ko to sa isa sa mahal ko sa buhay na inaalala ko kahit isang beses lang sang taon. mahal ko siya pero di ko kayang isipin na wala na siya sa araw araw.

sarap tumakbo. malapit ko na atang maging obsession ito. hinihila ang mga kamay ko na damputin ang aking running shoes pag mejo naging dragging ang araw ko o kung meron akong gustong tanggalin sa isip ko o kaya eh kung gusto kong maaliw o kaya magrelax lang. tatakbo ako, palayo sa bahay, palayo sa mga isipin, palayo sa ingay, palayo sa maraming bagay. ito yung tinatawag kong pag-iwas na sinasadya at ito rin lang ang posible kong gawin para makuha ang satisfaction na gusto ko sa mga oras na iyon. mag-isa akong tumatakbo pero okey na ang mp3 player na tumutugtog ng mga favorite love songs ko. ganado na ako nun at sapat na para di ko maramdaman ang hingal, ang tagaktak ng pawis, ang banat sa bawat hibla ng aking kalamnan.

tatlumpong minuto kong tinakbo ang limang kilometro. gusto ko sanang mas mabilis pa pero di ko kelangang pilitin ang di ko kaya. nakakapagod at marunong din akong mapagod. matagal ko na rin kasing napaniwala ang sarili ko na superwoman ako kaya sige lang ako ng sige. minsan ang pakiramdam ko, tumatakbo ako ng palayo ng palayo na parang nagiging anino na lang ako sa paningin na iba. o kaya'y para akong hangin na dumadaan na di maaring mahawakan ninuman.

masarap tumakbo lalo na kung alam ko ang aking patutunguhan. maliit lang naman ang mundo. kaya ko ito.

***
copyright bvoctober22006

sentimentally yours

recently, someone has called me a "sentimental fool". i think he was right because my life is incredibly engaged in a relationship drama. but before i elaborate on my sentimentality, i guess i just have to explain what sentimentality means to me.it is both a happy and a sad emotion which for me has to be felt in a certain time and mood. sentimentality is feeling that my mind has built and once it's in my brain, what's left for me was to succumb into it. more often, i am tearfully sentimental; masking a cold lack of feeling; but i'm also happily sentimental on some occasions. sentimentality is something i could go into to fill in the emotinal void of the present when no other feeling exists or a lack of stimuli so i must tread back to memories and do my best to remember.these days, i would feel a twinge of that, right here at the centre of my chest and my eyes would just well up in tears. i didn't find it odd but it's been coming on more often these days. perhaps it's my age or it's because of where i am in life right now or perhaps it's my emotional response to the relationships i have. i couldn't remember when did i first become sentimental, but all i know was that i disdain the feeling because i just find it so untrue. i just couldn't understand how a person could get so sentimental over things in a certain time or weather for one! that was my belief before until i started amassing objects which i had been struggling for many years to throw away. i kept them out of sentimentality and of course, nostalgia. once i feel nostalgic, sentimentality occurs. i considered them irreplaceable and i felt that i would be crushed if i lose them. it was also feeling guilty to lose them because i know that there are meanings in them which i am going to miss, somehow, at some point. not only the objects were irreplaceable; the story that was attached into it was genuine and it was MINE only.i get sentimental over dreams and random thoughts. the touch of rain patting my head, the snow falling on my skin, the movement of leaves as it sways with the wind, the cold breezy air flowing through my hair; things that didn't have any meaning at all when they're happening. these were the kind of reminiscence i deal with. the weather would often triggers my sentimentality, especially when i'm under gloomy skies and during rainy moments. these days, i would wallow into the sentiments of my current relationship with my husband and of my past love which i would link to the relationship i've taken on recently. most of the things i think about them were all in a form of questions. i wonder if they really care, if they think about me or if they love me. and if they do love me, what kind of love was it? i would put focus on that and and remember the past and look at the present.anaylzing the kind of sentimentality that i had during the past, i noticed it all depended on what i wanted to feel that time. if i wanted to feel like crying, i would resurrect my days of sorrow and pain. now why would i do that? why would i want to torture my emotion? for an answer... it was because of the crying. i believe that shedding tears can make my heart grow softer and kinder but stronger to take more adversities in life. but what about being sentimentally happy? funny to say but it strikes me the same. still, i would end up in tears, but happy tears i would say.i don't think i could get over with sentimentality anymore. it's now a shadow cast over me or perhaps, it's what that phase of my life was all about. it didn't mean tho' that i've stopped moving on because in my everyday living, i take the past with me to nudge me onto the present.it's fine to feel that way no matter how melancholy affects you. it only shows that you're capable of relationships, you're emotions are perfectly normal and it reveals your sensitivity and your commitment with the people around you. i guess, being sentimental is just another way of saying that... we are human beings!
****