change and expectation. . .

i always have expectations in all things including myself. while most people tend to lower their expectations each time they are not met, i don’t change mine. i look at expectations as something to hope for. it is a force that pushes me to give my best. i expect that i perform admirably to my commitments and use my energies to some creative use. along with that though, i expect that i will be misunderstood or my actions will be misinterpreted by others. if this happens, my recourse is not to feel frustrated. instead, I bravely take any blame and consider it as an opportunity to grow. for today,  i’ll bear in mind that I need to be careful on how I go about expressing myself and check whether or not my energies are actually behind my actions.

i want unsuperficial and profound changes in my life. i am resolved though not to force things to materialize and progress but to just indulge on how my ideas run through my mind even if these ideas don’t give huge  results at this time. i believe in hard work but I also believe in chance and on intuition. if nothing happens despite efforts,  i find it more sensible to retreat until I am ready to assert myself again. i believe that life and difficulties sometimes move on by itself. the essence of transformation is not to fight it but just allow it to exist and happen.

i hope and pray to succeed in everything that I do today and to the coming days ahead.

social suicide. . .

september of 2009, after some intense, ceaseless prodding from friends, i caved in to being on facebook. i thought, what the heck! i needed it somehow, to network with my former classmates for our high school grand reunion. my list grew and the last thing i knew i have been exchanging views with my nephews, nieces, cousins and even childhood friends i haven't connected with for ages. few weeks ago i made a bitter-sweet decision to withdraw from the site. friends were sad and understood. although a week before i deactivated my account i bragged on my wall on the goodness of fb-ing . my comments were true and sincere. i did find a local community to hang out for few minutes or so and just be there, enjoy some virtual company to while away my time especially at night. there are also a number of people in my list that are a joy to follow. while its main purpose is to get in touch, i realize, as i went along with the process of greeting and responding to statuses, i was also building a commitment which at first i was able to fulfill and keep up with the rest. as time wore on especially in my invariably hectic life, i could now hardly catch up with it. i miss my fb friends though.... and that comes from the bottom of my heart.

it's not like i've commited a form of a social suicide. i'm still very much around though in the web. if i want to update the world with whatever is on my mind, i have my blog. i remain sharing videos via you tube and if i want to connect with my friends and family, i have email and other methods of keeping in touch.

the breaking point though why i got out of fb is very personal and will not be divulged here anymore. for now, i will devote my time to my blog where there is no commitment and where i am in complete control. i'll linger around as it had been before until the diaspora comes out for my social networkings needs.

i might be back there at some point. who knows?

spirited and unique. . .

few days ago, i have been feeling quiet, somber, realistic and contained. it seems i see things pessimistically than usual. i knew though that this dark mood is temporary. because today i feel i’m charged with new energy, vitality, and sense of purpose, capable of forceful, decisive action. i feel great, physically and my energy is flowing smoothly. my interactions with others are feisty and spirited and I’m glad that I’m able to inspire others to take action. the group efforts or joint projects which i'm involved are favored. it’s a must that i need to keep moving and to appreciate myself as a unique individual. the future is brighter than the past. while the present might not be so bad, i see it as a gateway for now. it’s also a must for me take a break. . . soon!

i am fire. i am an arien. . . .

- - brave, strong willed. seldom back down. determined and driven to achieve goals. warm hearted, take risk, passionate. stubborn about things i believe in. direct and straightforward. assertive and i know what i want. love challenges. inspiring to others. exuberant, expressive, generous, protective, adventurous, fun-loving, creative, energized, and devoted.sensual, physical, lustful.temperamental, possessive, inconsiderate, reckless, fickle, open-hearted, high-spirited, pioneering, vain, feisty, and impatient.

i can live without romance. for me, not getting on without romance is not same as not being able to live without a man. in my heart i will always be yearning for that someone special. thinking about him is my idea of romance. i do anything and everything myself, without needing any male help. i have total confidence in my abilities. i have to leave and be the first to do anything. this kind of independence though does not go well with the male ego.

i chase after the love of my life even to the point of risking my own life. but once the love fires stop burning don't expect me to stick around. if the passion is gone, they are gone.

when i search a man, i search the one who does not chase or likes me. i wait for the one i can't have. i can survive even the toughest of circumstances alone and i can come back even after the most gruesome tragedies. i can play the role of a female perfectly and, at the same time, can do everything that a man can do.

i don't like flattery. i like sincere compliments. once i commit to someone, i will be extremely sentimental and loyal. don't dominate me and don't let me dominate you. either of the extremes, i will not be able to tolerate. give me reasons to be proud of you, but do not forget to praise me too. i am generous to the faults.

i enjoy a lively discussion of theater, music, politics, or even more esoteric subjects such as history, art, or philosophy.

my expectations are too high, but i will also give you double in return. i love to lead and hate to follow.

don't make me angry. if i get hurt, i will become as cold as ice and this may last an entire lifetime. if you find yourself in a verbal fight with me, you better come fully armed because i will be ready to tear apart every word that comes my way. if you are good to me i will be extremely kind, tender, loyal and supportive.

i am more comfortable with men than women. i am possessive, but i don't like to be possessed. i want my freedom and your complete trust. if i'm committed to you, you have no reasons to doubt my loyalty and sincerity. i am much too truthful to be involved with two people at the same time. i will first break up the relationship that is not working.

jealousy has a different meaning to me. my idea of jealousy does not relate to people or to the same sex but to the things that are supposed to be offered to me only. anything that you do for me should remain exclusive for me.

i am extremely passionate and believes in forever-lasting relationships. though this leave me disillusioned many a times. i don't play games and is incapable of deceit. i am nothing if not simple, innocent and very emotional. i love challenges and believe in miracles. i never learn from my mistakes and is likely to fall in the same hole again.

love for me means sharing and that means sharing everything, right from my emotions and material things. respect me, always and never try to dampen my zeal, or i will be hurt. my romantic nature tends to be very intense. i need to learn self-control or much trouble and annoyance are likely to be the bane of any long term partnership.

though i try to show that i am strong, i am as innocent and as vulnerable. be there to comfort me when in pain. if you stand up to me when i come to you like this, you will never ever lose me. i will never forgive you if you fail to fight for me. i am a complete woman, who gets hurt easily and is totally innocent.
in return, i will always be there with you, even if i have to go against the whole world. i am a caring mother, who makes no unnecessary fuss and sparks children's imagination.

i have a bad temper, but it will go away as quickly as it came and leave no grudges behind.though i am a little impulsive and bossy, i will give you complete security, fight against the world for you and be yours forever!bring your problems to me. i like being asked for advice. i am generous with my time, counsel, money, and sympathy.

i like extremes. physical, emotional and mental, and benefit profoundly by experiencing them; but if my extremism goes too far beyond social acceptability, i expect to be extremely lonely.

i am fire. i am aries.... i am the good and the bad.

sulk, frown, complain. . .

i can frown if i like. i don't need to put on a happy, cheerful face. i can feel free to sulk, dwell on the dark side and complain as much as i want to. it won't make a difference anyway because i believe that one day i will catch sunshine and there will be something out there that is going to uplift me. there will only be gladness and that will not allow any other point of focus to take priority. i don't know what it is but something will sort something out and whatever worries me will all turn a distant memory.

undistributed relief goods for the needy

as me and my friends are currently involved in soliciting help for the victims of typhoon in our country, we have been doing research and keeping in touch with people and organizations back home. jimmy who is one of the members of readphilippines forwarded an email to me. i just got back from my office after being away for three days with a hope that my morning will start nicely. that didn't come true after i've seen photos and i've given the reality of what's happening with the relief goods that came from various countries. it gave me a headache. i felt angry, nauseatingly upset and sorry for the thousands of filipino people who are cold and hungry, when in fact they shouldn't. i could only help spread the word which i am doing now. and i hope you'll do the same. the photos of the undistributed relief goods are under the title "let the pictures do the talking". see for yourself.

***

A blogger named Ella wrote about her experience volunteering for the Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD), and discovering that a lot of relief good are being kept in a warehouse and not actually being given to typhoon victims.You know what really got to me are the toys. WTF are they going to do with the toys they're keeping in the warehouse?? This makes me so mad.I don't understand their being selective of what goes out to the victims. They will withhold imported sleepsacks and release banigs only.Take a look at the care package packed by the mother packers of Moms For Moms. This is a sample package that went out to babies in Laguna.



If Ella's allegations are all true, we're hoping someone will pressure DSWD to release the goods and explain themselves.

Aanhin pa ang damo kung patay na ang kabayo? (A special report from a volunteer)Oct 21st, 2009 by ella

Dear friends,

I’m asking your help to spread the word. Tulungan po ninyo akong ikalat ito. Beyond this, we should also demand action. I disabled a plugin so you can copy the photos of relief goods rotting in DSWD warehouses. You can link this post to your blogs, facebook, websites etc. You can also email the photos. Philippine News (US based Philippine newspaper) will use this as its front page story this week. Every Filipino has the right to know where the tons of donations from the UN and other counties go. Kahit po nakakahiya sa mga nag-donate. Kung sa ganitong paraan, matutulungan natin ang mga nasalanta, then by all means, let’s do it. For those who have the time, please try to volunteer sa DSWD warehouses. Getting in was not easy. A friend had to put in a word for us. Let’s see kung madali nang makapasok sa DSWD warehouse ang mga volunteers.

Please read on and good luck to us.
Ella

*********

(This post was last edited Oct 22, 12:30 pm)
Kahapon, tinanong ng Philippine News si DSWD Secretary Esperanza Cabral:
Editor of Philippine News: Why are the relief goods in DSWD warehouses not moving?
DSWD Secretary Esperanza Cabral: Wala kasing volunteers.
This short interview was done over the phone. Philippine News wanted to hear her side pero ayaw niyang makipag-usap sa press. After four tries, pinasabi na lang niya ang maikling sagot na ito sa secretary niya - “Walang volunteers”. I don’t want to accuse her of corruption but at the very least she is showing signs of being totally incompetent. We are in a state of calamity where every second counts. May namamatay araw-araw dahil sa sakit. In my opinion, these deaths could have been prevented if Secretary Cabral had tried a little harder to do her job. DON'T FORGET TO CLICK HERE

Deaths from Philippine storms nears 1,000

“Tropical Storm Ketsana left 420 dead and 37 missing when it flooded 80 percent of Manila on September 26, a disaster the government said affected 4.35 million people.Some areas are still flooded three weeks later and 189,000 people remain in evacuation centres,Typhoon Parma hit the northern Philippines on October 3 and lingered as a tropical storm for a week, triggering landslides that killed 438 people and leaving 51 missing mostly in mountain communities.The government agency said Parma affected 4.16 million people, including more than 32,000 who remain at evacuation centres.”

• • •During the first week after the storm, lumabas ang “bayanihan spirit” ng mga Pinoy. “Makatulong lang kahi’t konti,” katwiran nila.Kung walang volunteers, ano ‘to, komiks?

From Stella Arnaldo’s blog:“At the offices of many civic groups and private organizations, hundreds of people showed up to volunteer in packing relief goods.At the Tulong Bayan center at the Expo Centro in Cubao, Most of the volunteers were adolescents as young as 10 years old, along with their kuya or ate in high school and college.They came in huge numbers, many of them barkadas, classmates or siblings, dressed just in their tees and shorts, wearing their Havaianas. All were just enthusiastic to do their share!

Even grade school kids pitched in to help! Youth volunteers repack detergents for distribution. Making beds from carton boxes. SEE PHOTOS HERE


GMA asked world for donations.Our government begged the world for more donations. Sumagot ang buong mundo sa ating panawagan. In less than three weeks, dumaong ang mga barko, ibinaba mula sa mga cargo planes, i-diniliver ng mga trak at container vans ang sandamakmak na relief goods. Cash donations were in the millions of dollars.But these donations must be coursed through DSWD. Nagpalabas ng directive ang pangulo. Individuals, private companies and other nations were ENCOURAGED to send their donations to DSWD. I blogged about it here and the video of her announcement here.

This PGMA directive sounded suspicious to me then. Now I know why. Here’s the story.

A group of eight people, your ate Ella included, went to one of DSWD warehouses to help in repacking relief goods. We know they need volunteers pero hindi namin akalaing WALANG TAO TALAGA SA LOOB NG WAREHOUSE! As in sa isang humongous warehouse (1000++ sq.m) NA PUNONG-PUNO NG RELIEF GOODS HANGGANG BUBONG, ISANG DSWD employee lang at ISANG SECURITY GUARD ang tao!! Kailangang magpa-register at i-schedule ang volunteering UNICEF Registration (as a volunteer) The warehouse can only take as much as 50 volunteers at a time or per shift. Here you will find that there is a 4-hour shift, and an option for a 6-hour shift for the volunteers to indicate their availability. What “volunteers”? Nasaan? Aside from the 8 of us? Nope, there was nobody there. Bakit kailangan ang scheduling? Feeling hindi ba magkamayaw at nagu-unahan ang mga volunteers? I know somebody who wanted to volunteer many times. She was always bumped off, laging nirere-schedule kasi “there were too many volunteers” daw. At tuwing Sunday lang daw puwede. What the hell is going on here?Nakatambak ang donations ng UNICEF sa warehouse, local and international. Mga banig na dapat ay nahihigaan ng mga nasalanta. Mga imported camp beds na hindi na yata masisilayan ng mga biktima. Mga kumot na hindi naman nakabalot sa katawan nila. At mga pagkaing hindi sumasayad sa sikmura nila.The relief goods are not going anywhereWe arrived at about 8 am and left by midafternoon and yes, you guessed it right. Kami pa rin ang tao bukod sa isang DSWD employee sa loob ng warehouse maghapon. Walang ibang dumating.The relief goods are not moving. By the way things look, they are not going anywhere. Hindi maglalakad mag-isa ang mga donations na ito papunta sa mga evacuation centers.

LET THE PICTURES DO THE TALKING

Note: Pinagbawalan kaming kumuha ng pictures sa loob ng warehouse. I wonder why.“Not a creature was moving, not even a mouse.”Parang haunted warehouse ang dating. May multo na yata.Kahit na daig pa ang tindahan sa Divisoria sa dami ng naka-stack na kalderoAt walang katapusang kaldero pa ulitKahit halos natakpan na ang mga bintana sa dami ng mga kahonKahit umabot na hanggang kisame ang stack ng mga kahon(Close up ng Coleman camp beds sa previous photo) Hindi ito kasama sa ni-repack naming goods. Para sa mga “special victims” kaya ito? Ire-repack kaya ang mga “imported” camp pads na ito ever?Sabagay, may BANIG naman para sa “ordinary victims”. Ito ang kasama sa inimpake namin. Sayang ‘yung imported.Ano kaya ang laman nito? Hindi rin pinabuksan. Pang-special victim din kaya ito? (teka, dito nga pala galing ‘yung mga kumot)Mahiwagang mga kahon from Japan Aid.(close up ng mahiwagang kahon) Hindi rin ito kasali, of course. Hindi namin alam kung ano ang laman nito. “Imported” are not included, we have concluded.Marami ito, mga laruang kasinlaki ng tao. Hindi nakunan ng pic kasi nasa tabi ng sikyo.PORK AND BEANS? Yup, you’d think kasama ito sa relief bag. Pork and beans lang ‘to, puwede na sigurong ipamigay,Naaah! “Imported” pork and beans from Spain po ito. Sorry, hindi pa rin includedNow let’s take a look at what a victim will get from DSWDLook Ma, sampung lata ng sardinas! How generous! Kaldero ang unang ilalagay sa sako. Sabong panglaba (bar soap) at sampung sardinas sa ilalim. Siyam na sabon sa gilid ng kaldero. Local goods lahat syempre.Tapos papatungan ng isang tuwalya at isang pack ng sanitary napkin.Sisiksikan ng tatlong rolyo ng kumot(?) ang blue water jug tapos ipapatong sa kaldero sa loob ng sako.Last but not the least, lalagyan ng dalawang banig.Sabay tatahiin na ang sako. O di ba, parang asong tinapunan ng buto ang mga nasalanta? Eniwey, busog naman sila sa SAMPUNG lata ng Mega sardinas YOU THINK?? WTF is the matter with these people? Mag-iisang buwan na mula nang masalanta ang mga kababayan natin. ISANG BUWAN!! Do you mean “do not delay ang dati nang delayed”?? Shet.Anong ginagawa ng mga donations na ito sa warehouse?? APAT na warehouse ang nasa loob ng compound na ‘yon! APAT na warehouse na punong-puno ng inaalikabok na relief goods! Relief goods na ayaw yata ibigay sa mga nasalanta. Halatang-halata.Marami pang pabubulukinWow! May bagong shipment na naman! At the rate DSWD is moving, next year na madi-discover kung ano ang laman ng mga kahong ito.“The first of two of the largest high-energy food shipments from the United Nations World Food Program (WFP) arrived in the country two days ago for victims of storm “Ondoy” and typhoon “Pepeng.”The biscuits were fortified with essential vitamins and minerals for supplementary feeding to children, pregnant women and the elderly in evacuation camps. Another 100 tons of biscuits will arrive on Oct. 24, in a continuing effort to provide food assistance to flood victims. Sige, ideretso ‘nyo ulit ‘yan sa DSWD warehouse. Para AMAG naman ang abutin ng biskwit… at sapot ng gagamba.ConclusionSa maghapon namin sa warehouse,nakagawa kami ng 150 sacks of relief goods. 150 bags of relief goods lang ang lumabas sa warehouse na ‘yon that day. At nandoon pa rin sa loob ang mga imported relief goods, safe, sound and packed as the day they arrived.Nakisakay kami palabas sa isang DSWD delivery van. Gusto sana kaming ihatid ng driver hanggang Makati pero wala raw siyang sobrang gasolina. Ibinaba na lang niya kami sa gitna ng EDSA. Millions of dollars in donations, walang extrang pang-gasolina.Susulpot din siguro ang laman ng mga mahiwagang kahon at mapapasakamay din ng mga tao…sa ARAW NG ELEKSYON. O mabibili na nila ang mga imported goods na ‘yon sa mga puwesto sa Quiapo at Divisoria.Suggestions lang po sa DSWD:• Alam ‘nyo palang walang mag-volunteer sa inyo, bakit hindi kayo mag-hire ng mga tao? Bayaran ‘nyo ng arawan para mag-repack. Ang daming walang trabaho, makakatulong pa kayo. Hindi naman malaking kabawasan ‘yon sa bilyong pisong donasyon na natanggap ninyo.• Isa pa, gaano ba karami ang mga sundalo natin? Hindi ba puwedeng ipagawa sa kanila ‘yan? Baka isang araw lang, tapos na ang problema ‘nyo• Bakit hindi ‘nyo ibigay ang trabaho sa mga NGO, churches, private charities, TV stations? I’m sure they are more than willing to help. Time is of the essence. Huwag kayong suwapang. Obvious ba, hindi ‘nyo naman kaya.Kung talagang gugustuhin ninyong makarating agad sa mga kawawang biktima ang mga donasyong ‘yon, nagawa ‘nyo na ‘yan. Maraming paraan…kung talagang gusto ‘nyo lang.

You are the government. You have the power, the resources and the money. You just have to really care.

***

WHAT'S GOING ON?

little things mean more.....

i have enough things around me to live. i could only feel rich and content if i will only appreciate the little things that i see and feel and and those that affect my life. they are there for many reasons and my heart is gratified for their presence. i have started celebrating abundance by listing the many positives present in my life and by reflecting on the joys they bring.
Abundance is . . .
a snuggle i feel and giggles i hear at this very moment
is basket full of dirty laundry
is an old-fashioned television
is a broken telephone unit
is thoughts of the many people i miss
is bills to pay every month
is an empty container of hair conditioner
is pay-day in a week's time
is a sink full of dirty dishes
is time spent studying with munchkins
is an updated status in facebook
is photos of people i know and love posted on the web
is a conversation with munchkins on our way home
is fried fish for dinner
is a prayer of grace said on the dinner table
is vanilla ice cream for desert
is work done after 5
is good night said to a colleague
is a seat on a packed bus
is hugs and kisses from munchkins waiting for me
is a cool breeze from the balcony
is the quietness of my place
is the thought of what's in store for me tomorrow at work
is drawings and paper mache craft and crayons on my desk
is a smile from a stranger as I head out for lunch
is mud on my rain bootsAbundance is wilted flowers and trees bereft of leaves
is pennies and nickel in my purse
is voices of munchkins in the morning arguing over something
is rice krispies scattered on the floor
is a walk on damp streets with munchkins to school
is a packed subway train to work
is accomplishing so much today
is hearing the humm of my laptop amidst the peaceful night
is my soft blanket wrapped around me
is a comfy bed to fall into now that i'm tired.
is the loud snore of munchkins sleeping
is a steaming hot choco with marshmallows
is the dark sky spitting wet snow
is a text message from someone i love
is knowing in my heart that every day is always the best day of my life
is the pitter patter of rain on my head
is a decaf coffee on a white paper cup
is legit and junk emails at work
is my desk scattered with opportunities
is a hello over the phone from someone afar
is wafers and a cookie dunked in coffee