his face was a blur to me. i didn't know him and neither did he. i only got to know part of him through your words and stories, through your smiles and laughters and frowns and rantings each time you talk about him. "him" - - your father who imparted you the two sides of life. i couldn't elaborate more on the father-son relationship because i only know bits and pieces of it. all i know, he is your daddy... as you called him, who you wouldn't be seeing anymore, or hear or feel his warmth.
for sometime he was in search of something and he searched in daytime and during the wee hours of the morning. he searched in between pains and anger, in between shallow breaths, in between laughters and groans. in between silence and deep thoughts. and perhaps in between glances at you, his son. he searched it with you whose body was often close to him. and you who smelled his smell . . his fragrance as well as his stench. god knows what was brewing up in his mind and how his condition altered his perspective but anyone of us would know what a father would always wanted for his child. that, in his very soul, could never be changed.
i guess as days wore on and so as his health, the mere thought that one of these days his search would end soon, had somehow made every blessings, sorrows and happiness he received during his lifetime, so intense and clear. perhaps if he wasn't that frail, he could've jumped for joy or sang his appreciation. but it was otherwise. his thankfulness, his life were all wrapped up in silence. . . until he gasped his last breath.
his silence unfolded. his search was over. you might had only seen anguish on his face during his last ticking moments but beyond that there must be something else. . . a smile, a laughter, a comfort to have finally found the pair of wings he wished for. that was his peace.
the passing of a loved one makes us look back and reflect on our own lives for some checks and balances, and it stimulates our mind with sorts of questions. and as i think of you and what you have gone and going through, i got to ask silently these two questions. did he really need a pair of wings? was he the one who needed to fly?
i guess the wings that he found weren't really his... but YOURS.
it's so amazing how his life and death could give you life.
i am ending this blog with a song which you could reflect on.
MY PRIDE
Love in your eyes. Sitting silent by my side. Going on holding hand. Walking through the nights. Hold me up hold me tight. Lift me up to touch the sky. Teaching me to love with heart. Helping me open my mind.
(refrain)
I can fly .. I'm proud that I can fly. To give the best of mine. 'Till the end of the time. Believe me I can fly. I'm proud that I can fly. To give the best of mine. The heaven in the sky
ooOoo
Stars in the sky .... Wishing once upon a time. Give me love make me smile. 'Till the end of life. Hold me up hold me tight. Lift me up to touch the sky. Teaching me to love with heart. Helping me open my mind. (repeat refrain)
ooOoo
Can you believe that you lie down, my way. No matter how that is my birth, I never loose my day ... See me fly. I'm proud to fly up high. Show you the best of mine. 'Till the end of the time. Believe me I can fly. I'm singing in the sky. Show you the best of mine. The heaven in the sky.
Nothing can stop me to spread my wings, so wide.
***
